I have had cause lately to consider the situation of a married couple I know quite well. They seem to have a problem with communication and the possibility of divorce has been aired as a possibility unless things improve.

As a person who “survived” a divorce I find myself well qualified to advise others who may be entertaining the idea that divorce is a good option. From my own experience I found my marriage breakup and consequent divorce to be the most earth-shattering and devastating event in my life, and I would strongly recommend married couples to always look for better options.

Remember, when most people enter marriage, they make a commitment to remain with their spouse til death, and it is a commitment usually made after serious consideration.

These days it seems the decision to split up is made in many cases after less consideration than what was given when the marriage was formed. Or at least, different factors are considered and the reasons for the couple committing to each other in the first place are forgotten or no longer viewed as relevant.

I wonder how many couples actually split up because of a mutual desire to do so, as opposed to those situations where one person exclusively takes the decision to leave the other person.

A marriage is a contract entered into by both partners willingly (we are talking about NORMAL marriages) and in many if not most cases, most major decisions from that point on will and should involve an amount of communication and collaboration between the partners. To many this would seem logical and a natural process. If you care deeply about someone, why wouldn’t you naturally want to consult them when making big decisions.

So why do we go it alone when times get tough?

If it is ok to make the easy decisions together, why not the hard ones? Why does one person secretly decide they want to split up the marriage, then drop the D-bomb on their partner at an opportune time?

Before tackling any of the questions, it might be prudent to look at the bigger picture. The fact that one partner is considering ANY major issue or problem alone boils down to one simple truth: that the communication process in the marriage is failing.

The ability for a couple to converse amicably is crucial, and keeping the lines of communication open is the single most important factor in maintaining any healthy relationship. Everyone has problems and issues to deal with at times, and without effective communication, a unified sense of direction is not possible.

When communication fails, chaos ensues, and negative factors are more likely to influence the decision-making process. Keeping connected with your partner through good communication is therefore essential in staving off negative influences and channeling your combined energies towards more positive results.

On a personal, individual level, it is important to understand that divorce is NOT an option, and anyone considering it needs to address the underlying communication problem before contemplating walking away from their marriage.

Now, I am not saying that it is good to stay with a partner who is abusive or unfaithful – those are serious issues which also need to be addressed, and nobody should tolerate a situation where their physical wellbeing is at risk. Professional help exists for anyone finding themselves in that type of situation.

Remember that abuse comes in many forms, not just physical violence. Emotional blackmail, restriction of “privileges” and other punitive actions are also forms of abuse, and can have serious effects on a relationship and the lives of either or both partners.

In particular, when one person threatens their partner with divorce, it is an attack on that person’s very soul, and one that can rock their self image to the core. The true crime is that when a person has a deeper personal commitment to the marriage, the received threat is consequently more damaging – both to them as an individual, AND to their ability to care for and love others.

The potential harm that can be caused by a threat of divorce is so great that surely nobody who truly cares about their partner would ever make it. To do so indicates either a callous, vindictive nature or at the very least a highly ignorant one. People are just too valuable and vulnerable to risk hurting in that way.

So how do we avoid the mistake of ever considering divorce?

Realise that divorce is not an option. The only option is to take steps to improve your relationship.

You only have one chance at this life, so it is a good idea to take steps to feed your relationships along the way, especially your marriage.

Remember that it was communication that brought you and your partner together in the first place, and it is an ongoing commitment to communication that will keep you together and keep your relationship vibrant and exciting as you travel through life together.

Understand that your partner has skills and abilities to influence in different spheres of life that you may not be aware of: they may have underlying talents that you don’t know about yet.

It is important to afford your partner the freedom of expression that lets them pursue their own goals knowing they have your full support.

Remember, your spouse is a full partner in your marriage just as much as you are, and they have the right to depend on your backing the same as you do on theirs.

While your lines of work may be different, by communicating effectively about your goals you can ensure that you are both heading in the same direction.

Take time personally to visualise what you think a good marriage should be, and talk about that vision with your partner.

This may be the crucial point in the entire issue.

When you each understand what the other expects it is far more likely that you will work together to meet those expectations than if you are both running blind.

Listen to your partner’s vision and expectations – remember, they are as committed to your marriage as you are, so their feelings are just as valid as yours.

Think before you speak.

Learn how to talk about problems with your partner before they get out of hand.

If you are faced with problems at work, tell your partner about the issues you are facing without trying to make them feel guilty about it. Remember – you decided your own career path, not them.

If you can’t seem to find a good balance between your marriage and your job, CHANGE YOUR JOB!!! No career is worth destroying your marriage over. Take my word for it – a divorce will cost you your career anyway, so take steps that will help keep your sanity and your marriage intact.

At any rate, you should understand that a marriage provides you with an incredible support structure, one that can help you achieve any goals in life and business that you choose to target, but it can only work when you play your part and remain committed to it.

Keep those lines of communication open – talk to your partner about your goals and dreams as well as your worries and concerns.

Life is not an easy journey, and knowing you can count on someone is incredibly important. Remember that your partner wants to know they can always count on you as well.